sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
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my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
Had to try this trend 😊
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.