me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
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My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
“We should get tickets,” is as close to a rock concert as I get these days.
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
Somebody call the cops.
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?