2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
You Might Also Like
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
There’s always that one guy
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
Lmao 🤣
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
I’m giving up ice.
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..