What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
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If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
Me irl
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
Smile they said.
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this