4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
You Might Also Like
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
I enjoy a good short stor
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
Sorry I made promises on Friday
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient