Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
You Might Also Like
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
I am never leaving this website
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time