Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
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Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.