Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
You Might Also Like
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
wtf is an acronym
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”