One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
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It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
OH. COME. ON.
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.