Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
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Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard