I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
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They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
Eggs benadryl my favourite
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine