[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
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Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.