One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
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welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
This forever.
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.