The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
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A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you