Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
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inappropriate Care Bears be like:
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
Body by Oreos
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.