Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
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Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?