“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
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Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
wtf management?!
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
Welcome
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
This dude got his own movie?
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂