Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
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My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
Was invited to give a talk about comedy writing to some 8th graders today and at the end the teacher asked what my main advice for kids was and I said invest in fresh water stocks as soon as possible. Wasn’t the vibe, they wrapped me up pretty quick
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
Spring of Deception