Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
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one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway