Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
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I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]