I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
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I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
I put the p in pants.
oh my god
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.