*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
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Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?