mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
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What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
Dogs should be allowed to drive.