“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
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My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
Why does laundry happen to good people?
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.