My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
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genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
presenting your incognito window wrapped
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems