The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
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me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
can I use a minion as a tampon
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
9:30 in the morning, the woman behind me in line says to her toddler “No, I don’t think they have ice cream right now, nobody eats ice cream this early in the morning,” just as I turn around holding a giant cup of vanilla soft serve.
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
opening a flower shop called women in stem
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.