We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
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[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?