[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
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The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper