Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
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We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
#Caturday
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.