Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
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Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*