When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
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me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
paddle faster i hear baby shark
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.