“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
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[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.