me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
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Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries