I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
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Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
“our sushi is very fresh”
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.