Yes my dude
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How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.