I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
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Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
If you’re testing me, we failed.
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
When the stylist spins you back around
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?