I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
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Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…