*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
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Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys