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[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am