me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
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Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?