It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
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thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
he chose this
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
I used to play computer games for three hours a day, but that was before I had a job. Now I can afford twice as many computer games.
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”