WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
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Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
did it work
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN