You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
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Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
Perfect
I really had high hopes for this year though
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
how many bears make up a bear minimum
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work