[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
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Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
The biggest mystery of our time
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.