[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
You Might Also Like
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
🤯🤯🤯
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
are they though??
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.