To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
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Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him