Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
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Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
Trying
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
Personal question. #JustSaying
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
This will never not be funny to me.
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
Become ungovernable.
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.