THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
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i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
Children of the corn 🌽
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit