i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
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I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay