Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
You Might Also Like
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but